Astrid Jones is a teenage girl in a small town struggling to accept her sexuality AND navigate the intricacies of high school at the same time. It’s a fictional book featuring a fictional character- but that doesn’t mean that it’s a fictional story. How do I know?
Because it’s my story.
No, AS King did not write her book about me- although it sure felt like it while I read it.
I am a girl who grew up in a small town and struggled with her sexuality while struggling through high school. It was rough- feeling like I didn’t belong, like there was no one I could trust. Feeling like there was no one who really KNEW me- not all of me. It is exhausting trying to be someone you are not- constantly worrying that I would slip up and tell everyone that I had a crush on the new girl in school instead of the new boy. Trying to remember which N Sync member I thought was the cutest when all I wanted to do was marry Fiona Apple.
(note to those who are reading this. If you don’t know who Fiona Apple is- look her up!!)
It was even harder listening to the gay jokes my classmates mad. “Hey Fag!” “Ugh, that girl is such a dyke!” And laughing, even though it hurt so much.
It can be scary feeling so alone. I felt lost and hopeless. I was worried about what my neighbors would think. Remember, it was (and still is) a small town. Everyone knows everyone. Seriously. I kept thinking about COLLEGE- I always thought of it in those big letters in my head. College was when I would be free- when I could really be myself- reinvent myself.
So what got me through? Other than the idea that college was three years away- and let me tell you, three years can feel like a lifetime. My best friend. I finally took a chance and told her. And she was wonderful. It became OUR secret, not just mine. It helped to have someone share it with me. To have a safe space to go to.
You are not as alone as you may think. Take a chance, open up- some people will listen, some people will help. I promise you. It will be hard, but remember you are you- you cannot change who you are any more than you can change who you love. I wish I had been more honest with myself back then- maybe if I had owned it I wouldn’t have felt so lost. I wish I had opened up to my family- there was so much I went through that I felt I couldn’t share with them. My first love, my first relationship, my first heart break- I went through those without my family’s love and support. I didn’t have to. And no, not everyone will be supportive and loving- but you will never know unless you try. And the pain and the toll of hiding who you are is no fun. I know.
So this pride be proud! Own who you are, sing it from the rooftops. Happy pride everyone.
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